


Catching A Falling Star

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, M/M, Matchmaking, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-05
Updated: 2004-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:27:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23018545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: Spock leaves for Gol and Jim finds a dangerous way to deal with it while McCoy gets lost in the middle.[Printed in the zine "Starry Knights 2" in June 2004]
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Kudos: 318





	Catching A Falling Star

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this time I mean it…This will be my last K/S fic…And if anyone is wondering about McCoy’s Stars poem in the end then I wrote it.  
> Thanks so much to Nancy for great and quick beta even though she’s not into this fandom. You’re such a sweetheart *hugs and kisses*  
> Words written *like this* are telepathically messages/thoughts.

# Catching A Falling Star

Jim had never known pain like this before. Bone crushing, agonizing and all consuming. It was like he was in a vacumn, lost in a world of agony that would not end. He had been tortured, had lost family, friends, lovers...even his wife and unborn child, yet still no pain could match the pain he felt inside now that Spock had left.

He had never been a man to give up. He had never in his life wanted to admit to defeat but the pain he felt inside was undescribable; like he was missing a part of himself. It was a contant eche that was driving him insane.

It had now lasted for two weeks, having begun a few days after he had left Vulcan in a futile attempt to get to Spock before he reached Gol. He had been unsuccessful and nothing he had done had granted him access to Gol. He had felt sad, lost and filled with regrets but he had first begun to feel this intense pain over that loss when he was halfway between Vulcan and Earth. It had hit him suddenly and forcefully and the pain still hadn’t ebded. Normally he was good at controlling his sorrow. He would simply push it aside and refuse to think about it but this time he couldn’t do that. As time went by Spock begun to fill his every thoughts, intensifying his feeling of loss, loneliness and adanboment. There was a hole inside himself that felt like an open oozing wound.

He had tried to keep the pain at bay by doing anything from burying himself in work to getting dead drunk but nothing seemed to work. It was now over midnight, a litle more than two weeks after he had first begun to feel this way and Jim felt like he was at a loss. He could not cheat or outwit this pain within and he couldn’t make it stop. There was only one solution left; death. It would stop the pain and he would be free. Yet even now, as he sat by his desk, a phaser laying on it, he hesitated. Winning by dying had never been a solution he liked but it seemed the only option open to him. He was a military man and used to life and death decisions. He was used to risking his life and others’ as well. He knew well his options and his choices. He couldn’t keep on living like this. He was being torn apart. As more days passsd, the greater pain he felt inside. It had to stop. 

Jim slowly reached for the phaser and held it in his hand. In a matter of seconds the situation that had brought him to this flashed before his eyes.

Everything had been going well as his five year mission had come to a conclusion. He had a ship, a good crew, McCoy as his friend and Spock always beside him, his closest friend who could have become so much more if he had analyzed his feelings. Then his legendary luck had changed as his mission drew to a conclusion; Spock had left for Gol to purify himself of all emotion. He had at first refused to believe Spock would do such a thing after all the little signs of emotion he had shown him over the years, but as he had thought more about it he could believe it. Spock always made the most important decisions in his life without any warning and always alone. Jim clearly remembered the whole charade with Captain Pike that Spock had initiated. He hadn’t even considered asking Jim if he wanted to help him. Thinking about it, Jim was sure that if Spock had asked for his help, if all his attempts at going through official channels to help Pike had failed and Spock still wanted Pike saved, Jim would have helped him any way he had to. Yet that choice had never been given to him. Jim recalled that McCoy had once talked to him about how Vulcans might come from a feline lineage of creatures. Jim didn’t doubt it was true. Like Earth’s cats, Spock had proven that he obeyed Jim’s command when he was in agreement with it, but when a situation developed which demanded he acted contrary to Jim’s wishes, he would leave and solve the issue his own way instead of talking to Jim about it. Jim wondered if Spock was so used to being alone and rejected that the idea of voicing his objections to things that truly and deeply mattered to him, to try and get his friend to see his point of view, didn’t even cross his mind. Something else that Jim had seen early on was that Spock had a protective streak, especially towards his captain, that he seemed unable or unwilling to undo. He would jump in front of anything from knives and poisonous plants to Starfleet critique to help him. Jim had always found that this protectiveness betrayed that Spock cared more for him than he was able to say, but that didn’t mean it didn’t bother Jim. He was a trained soldier and a Captain; he didn’t need protection and he certainly didn’t wish his Vulcan friend to risk his life to save him. Jim had always known that when he truly connected to someone, he would have a very hard time should he lose them. All his life he had fought against defeat and cheated death. He would rather die than have to live with the knowledge that someone he loved had died for him or because of him.

It wasn’t until Spock had left for Gol just after they had returned to Earth after their 5-year mission that Jim had begun to realize just how deeply he had come to care for Spock. No…how deeply he loved him. During those five years there had been no reason for him to stop and try to analyze what he felt. He knew he preferred Spock’s company to any other’s, that he felt a warm and nice feeling when they were together and that Spock could make him smile and feel special and good with so little effort. Every time he had been close to losing Spock he had felt a cold hand take a hold of his heart and soul. He had done anything he had had to do to get Spock back. Once more back beside him the warm feeling inside returned and Jim didn’t think about anything else than what a joy it was to have Spock back safe and sound. Thinking back, Jim had found that almost all of his good memories about his mission included Spock in some way.

Jim clearly recalled the shock and anger he had felt when he had found out that Spock had left for Vulcan in such a hurry that he hadn’t even said goodbye. He had only left a short and very official recording saying he was going home to Vulcan for personal reasons and that he had resigned his commission. Determined to follow Spock and demand an explanation, Jim had refused to listen to McCoy’s words when he had tried to talk Jim out of racing halfway across the galaxy after Spock, even though McCoy’s arguments had been very reasonable. Not only did Spock have a head start that would prevent Jim from reaching him before Spock had already arrived at Vulcan, but what exactly was it that Jim wanted from Spock, Bones had asked him. Unthinking, Jim had replied he wished things to go back to the way they had been before. Gently McCoy had simply said that Spock had seemly left because of the way things had been before. Refusing to give up or consider McCoy’s words, Jim had reached Vulcan but, true to McCoy’s warning, it was too late. Spock was already at Gol and the closed monastery-like society did not open its doors for any visitors. They didn’t acknowledge Starfleet jurisdiction nor would they take a message from him to Spock. Having cursed the Vulcan Gol guards to eight different Hells from the same amount of religions and in as many different languages, Jim had finally admitted defeat. Reluctantly he had returned to Earth, on the way wondering why he was going there; there was nothing for him on Earth or anywhere else. On his journey to Earth he had felt a sudden sharp pain inside himself as if emptiness was trying to eat him up alive. The pain faded but then started to grow again, feeding on his heart. The Universe suddenly seemed cold, dark and empty and he felt that coldness and emptiness spread inside his soul, making him combat a wave of mental pain the equal of which he had never experienced before. It felt as if a part of himself had died or been torn from him; he felt like he was needing and missing something that was no longer there and he knew he had lost it on Vulcan and he also knew it would never return.

Normally Jim buried his doubts and regrets, refusing to consider them in his pursuit to win first this battle and then the next. But this time had been different. He had not only lost Spock, he had also lost a battle and admitting to defeat was something he did very poorly. McCoy’s words returned to haunt him and he began to question the way he had handled not only his relationship with Spock but also his command in general. Had he pushed too far and too fast? He had become the youngest starship Captain ever…had that been a mistake? The dullness and emptiness he felt inside made him feel drained and used…made him feel old. Was this agony he felt inside himself because of Spock’s leaving or because he had lost the Enterprise? He knew Command wanted him to become an Admiral and he had toyed with the thought. He knew he would hate such a position but on the way to Earth he had read up about Gol and if he had made Spock flee to such a cold and hard place with his thoughtlessness in regard to the way he had acted around Spock then he deserved to be unhappy. McCoy had been right in asking him what he wanted from Spock. His friend was Vulcan, yet he could be so betraying emotionally towards Jim and he had to admit that he loved that. However, now he saw that he couldn’t expect Spock to give that much of himself. Spock had revealed to him that he felt ashamed for the friendship he felt for him; he wanted so badly to be Vulcan and follow their logical ways yet had still shown emotions towards him and he had given so little in return. Had Spock been human it wouldn’t have been an issue. Humans had friends, close and not so close ones, but Vulcans had no friends. That Spock had even been able to admit to their friendship was a gift, and it was one Jim had accepted the same way he would a human’s; he had replied by giving his own strong friendship in return. Yet for a people who had no idea of the meaning of friendship then Spock’s sacrifice became clear: he had given up a lot of himself, he had changed to try and better fit in with Jim...in short, he had become more human. Maybe Spock had done the same as he had, Jim thought now. Maybe he too had taken one day at a time, deliberately not analyzing what they felt for each other. Now that the mission was over, they needed to make decisions in their lives about the future and Spock would have had to evaluate his feelings for his captain and the human reactions he had at times let slip in his company. Jim had already given him the deepest of friendships but friendships could be fleeting and friendship didn’t by far promise forever. Jim had come to the conclusion that he loved Spock enough to wish forever with him but by then it had been too late. He wasn’t sure if Spock loved him back and he wasn’t sure if he had fled because he thought Jim didn’t feel the same or because he felt ashamed or frightened by those emotions. The fact remained that without even realizing it, Jim had lost the most important battle of his life. With his thoughtlessness, casual and very human ways around his Vulcan friend he had lost a battle he hadn’t even been aware he had been fighting. Two words, loss and defeat, mockingly replayed themselves in his head over and over again, hitting so much harder since he had never had to taste the bitterness of defeat before. 

Jim’s thoughts returned to the present as his eyes focused on the phaser in his hand once more. Any kind of life where he had to carry the emptiness he felt inside with him, felt like fighting a losing battle. Becoming an Admiral would slowly killed him but added with the feeling of incompleteness he felt inside it would just be to prolong the pain. There was no other way. Slowly Jim’s hand moved towards his head, pointing the phaser towards himself but something made him hesitate. This could not be the only solution. Didn’t Spock always say that there were always possibilities? Jim drew a deep breath and laid the phaser back on the table. He had to look at his problem logically, ironically as that sounded since it was a feeling that was tearing him apart. If he looked at this like any other command decision he might be able to come up with a better solution. He didn’t fear death but he just didn’t feel it was a solution he could accept. From the last two weeks he had to accept that the feeling of depression he was having would not go away by itself. If he sought professional help for it he would never be allowed to hold any position of importance in Starfleet again so that wasn’t an option he liked but he could not do nothing. Jim sighed. If only he had a Vulcan’s control over his emotions, then this wouldn’t be a problem. Suddenly an idea came to him and Jim sat up straighter in his chair. Of course! That was it. Filled with a sense of purpose for the first time since Spock had left Jim went to his computer and turned it on. He browsed through his messages, looking for a message he had received and discarded as something he would never even consider. He found the message and reread it. The Samurai Academy, located in old Japan, had invited him to join their training. Starfleet Intelligence ran the Academy and it was a place where soldiers learned how to fight and kill without emotions getting in the way. Emotional control, several forms of fighting as well as interrogation tactics and how to cheat different mind probes and interrogators seemed to be the highlights of the training. Given his status and skills many branches of Starfleet had tried to recruit him after his mission had ended but so far he had always said no. His passion and love had always been the stars and commanding a starship had been his dream since childhood. However, as he knew well, things had changed and not for the better. Now this was his only hope. He had never wanted to become a spy or worse - an assassin - for anyone, least of all Starfleet, but the harsh and cold environment of the Academy spoke to him. It reminded him of the coldness in his soul that had been driving him to the edge with a pain he could barely control and couldn’t understand. He normally had great success with pushing his losses aside and ignoring his hurts but this agony had no relief in sight. He had only felt this lost and alone for two weeks, but it hurt so badly and confused him with its intense pain, driving him insane with guilt and what could have beens. Now the message he was reading seemed to give him an answer to his confused state.

Jim hated losing control and he certainly had no control over the pain he felt inside so the promise of regaining that control was tempting beyond words. Besides, if Spock could cut Jim so brutally out of his life why could he not do the same? Vulcans weren’t the only ones who could block or control their emotions and therefore also their pain. He had seen a few of the warriors the Academy had produced and they were brilliant but deadly strategists and just as deadly warriors. Above all they were as emotionally controlled as a Vulcan. You’ll find no weakness in them, no way to try and break them. If he became able to do the same, to deny or destroy his emotions, then he wouldn’t feel like he had just lost his soul. He would be able to control the pain he felt inside and he had to admit he needed that; his control was getting weaker by the minute as if the coldness of space itself was trying to turn him to ice from the inside. Even now he was wearing several shirts because of that coldness his mind thought he felt but it was no use. He had known it wouldn’t help but he had put extra warm clothes on anyway because he had been desperate enough to try anything.

His lips set in a grim line, his mind made up, Jim pushed a few buttons that would seal his fate and change him as much as Gol would change Spock.

* * *

Spock,

You will never read this letter but I’ll write it to you anyway.

I’ve been at the Samurai Academy for four months now. The training is hard and intense and can be painful at times but very rewarding when a hard battle is won. The pain I’ve been fighting within lessens as my control rises. Everyone here are very logical and in control of their emotions. You’ll like them.

Okay, that was a bit harsh and I apologize. We’ve been asked to write one letter to someone on the outside. A letter that wraps up the life of emotions we leave behind even if we never post the letter like I won’t do with yours, since the guards at Gol would never give it to you anyway. This one person we write to had to be someone special and before my nephew or my mother ever came to mind you did, Spock. Thus this letter is for you.

I love you. I should have told you before but I don’t think I knew it before now when it’s too late. It’s not hard now to admit to how I felt because the words come without emotions. Okay, I have to be honest. It has not been easy and I do at times have flashes of emotions coming back to me. I’ve never tried to control my emotions this completely before and I’ve always been a man of strong emotions so it’s hard. But now my goal is to bury those emotions and I will win that battle because if I don’t the loss will be my life; that much I know for sure. You know better than most how determined to win I am, Spock.

Also now that I know I will most likely never see you again, I can admit that I was angry with you for leaving without explaining, without saying goodbye. My time here has given me time to think and I’ve been wondering about the sudden way my depression, for lack of a better word, came over me. The pain I have to fight so hard to contain…I’m no longer sure it’s my own. At least not all of it. Somehow it’s connected to you. I resented you for a while after I had figured that out. I guess I blamed you but I don’t anymore. Done is done. I know you well enough to know that you’ll never deliberately hurt me so my anger would be groundless.

I try not to think too deeply about my new life. If I did I’ll admit I miss you, the Enterprise…Bones. I would have to admit that I miss my life the way it was…And the way it could have been.

There’s not much else I can say, my friend. We shared good times and bad but all of them will remain the best memories I have. This will be the last time I’ll permit myself to think it but I will always love you.

A part of me mourns what we can never have and never even tried to have, but things are the way they are. If I am to survive I have to block all my emotions; close myself off. I have not yet succeeded in controlling all my emotions. The worst time is at night where dreams of you fill me with longing and it’ll shatter my newfound control. But one day I will succeed. Yet for once the thought of success doesn’t please me as much as it once did because the day I succeed will be the day my love for you dies. Even if it may mean the pain I fight within dies as well…then I still find it’s a loss I will mourn. 

Your friend,

Jim

* * *

McCoy had never been an easy man to get along with but since his mission with Enterprise had ceased 17 months earlier, things had gotten a lot worse. He couldn’t recall the last time he had been this frustrated and angry. First he had lost Spock to Gol where he would become the totally logical walking computer McCoy had always feared he would be and then he had lost Jim to some closed society that would turn his friend into a mindless killing machine. He was angry enough that Spock hadn’t even said goodbye but, though Jim had said goodbye, he hadn’t wished to listen to McCoy, claiming he had to join the Academy with a desperation in his voice McCoy hadn’t understood and still didn’t. As so often before, McCoy had been unable to control his temper and he had told Jim that if he joined the Academy their friendship was over. Those had been his last words before he had left. He had tried to reach Jim some days later at the Academy, not wanting such hurting words to be the last words between them, but the guards there were as bad as the ones at Gol. Jim was to have no outside contact during his two-year stay to make sure he had no emotional setbacks, which was about the same thing he was told at Gol. Damning them to hell and any other angry and emotional thing he had done, had helped nothing at either place.

Giving up, McCoy had tried to get on with his life without being able to reach Jim or Spock but everything seemed to have lost its meaning. He would find himself alone every evening nursing a bottle of something or another that never made him feel better anyway. His teachers at the University where he had taken his medical degree had always told him that he was too emotionally attached to his patients and as a result of this also to the people in his life in general. He had known they were right but he couldn’t stop himself. Every day he felt as if he could see his friends’ spirits dying. Jim…his oldest friend. Probably the only commander in the whole Fleet who would ever give him the freedoms he had done and who would stay his friend despite his temper and other faults. Jim who with his easy smiles, warm eyes and golden laughter was like the sun itself. Now…he would be subdued, destroyed. McCoy had known since he had first met Jim that he loved him. Not in the all consuming passionate way but in his own quiet way. Jim was too bright and fast for him to hold onto with his silent love and down to Earth ideas. Jim was a fearless explorer who loved life, adventure and the unknown. McCoy liked things safe and preferred not getting into too many alien situations unlike Jim who loved that. He had long ago come to terms with the fact that he would most likely never remarry and that his love for Jim would remain this bond of smoothing comfort where Jim’s energy and life would keep him going and McCoy’s calmness and plea for caution would make sure Jim didn’t get into too many dangerous situations.

His degrees in psychology had made sure he early on had seen something was developing between Jim and Spock but what that was he wasn’t sure about and he knew they certainly didn’t know. At the end of the mission McCoy had been certain Jim and Spock loved each other and that they needed each other to balance things out. Jim’s light, life, energy, passion and brightness would be countered by Spock’s logic, calm, loyalty and diplomacy. It seemed like a Yin and Yang situation but unfortunately Yin and Yang decided to fall apart before the two pieces ever truly figured out where they fitted together.

McCoy had pretty much given up until rumors reached him that Jim had been wounded during his practice and had been taken to a hospital in Tokyo. He had thrown all he was doing aside and had hurried to the hospital but too late; Jim had been well enough to be moved back behind the walls of the Academy where McCoy could not reach him. He had threatened and lied until the doctor who had looked at Jim had told him the injury had been a broken leg, with all of five fractures. McCoy had been more relieved than he could recall ever having been that Jim’s injury hadn’t been more severe. He looked Jim’s medical chart over and, as he had suspected, Jim had gotten quite a few scars since Bones had last checked him out. McCoy had investigated both Gol and the Samurai Academy and both places seemed to think that physical pain was an important part of reaching their goals. At Gol things like wandering around in the hot desert for a few days without any food or water was a mild example of their ways to help the student control emotional reactions like pain and discomfort. In the Academy fights were done with almost any weapon from phasers to swords and practice was with the real thing. No serious harm was permitted but grazing each other with the sharp sword points and breaking a few bones during hand-to-hand combat training was common.

The shock and fear that the rumor of Jim’s injury had given McCoy had awoken him from his misery. He might not be able to save his friends but he refused to give up until he was certain. Such determination was normally something Jim had, not him, but something must have rubbed off because McCoy had never been more determined. Stealing stubbornness and will power from Jim, McCoy next stole calm and logic from Spock to do what he had to. He couldn’t just walk in and demand Jim and Spock leave and talk with each other. McCoy was sure it was the lack of honest communication between the two men that was the reason why they had fled to such terrible places. No, he couldn’t do that because he had more or less tried every emotional plea in the book already. What he needed was a plan. After a few days, a devious idea came to mind and it was perfect. Since Jim’s admission to the Academy, news about him was rare and far between and the same was true about Spock. McCoy could use that to his advantage.

Dressing himself in his finest clothes and calling on all the calm that Spock had always had and all the luck that was Jim’s to command, McCoy had left for Vulcan. He had met with Amanda and Sarek and had told them he had important news to bring Spock. Amanda was clearly against Spock being at Gol and even Sarek seemed to doubt its usefulness, but McCoy couldn’t take the chance and appeal to them. He had done that the earlier times, right after he had lost Jim, to get them to break rules and bring Spock a message but they had respected Spock’s choice. Well, McCoy did not respect either of his friends’ choices and he would get his friends back no matter what! Maybe if this succeeded Jim and Spock would find that they had taught McCoy a few of their skills a little too well but McCoy didn’t care. He had a plan and this time he wouldn’t let his emotions ruin it. He calmly told Amanda and Sarek that Jim was dying. Not even the real sorrow on both their faces, especially Amanda’s, could make McCoy reconsider. He told them an alien virus Jim had picked up during their mission had awoken and only Spock, who had been with Jim when he had been infected, could help him. Spock’s body had, due to his Vulcan genes, made an antibody for the virus and Bones needed Spock to come with him to Earth to help save Jim’s life. McCoy promised Spock could be back at Gol quickly but surely it was logical to save Jim’s life if possible? Sarek had agreed but still warned that Spock might not come since he only had a few months left to go before he completed his task at Gol.

 _All the more reason to hurry_ , McCoy had thought darkly but had remained silent. Sarek had finally agreed to try and contact his son. Given his influence and status, Sarek could get a message smuggled into Gol to Spock but from there on it was up to him.

The two days McCoy had waited at Amanda and Sarek’s home for Spock had seemed like a lifetime. Finally, one of the many Gods McCoy had called upon for help must have heard him because on the third day when he went to see which visitor Amanda had just received, it was none other than Spock. Dressed in all black, with a facial expression that was as blank as the deepest reaches of space, Spock had simply nodded at McCoy even though they hadn’t seen each other for nearly two years. McCoy had fought back his anger and his joy and had simply smiled slightly.

“Spock. Good of you to come,” he had said and had let just the slightest hint of sarcasm enter into his voice, but had otherwise controlled himself. He had been satisfied to see the smallest hint of surprise by the lack of emotions from him as well as light puzzlement about whether or not his comment had been honest or not, in Spock’s eyes. However, he quickly regained control but the slip had given McCoy hope.

“We should depart at once. I should like to return to finish my studies at Gol within the week, if possible,” Spock had said evenly, avoiding looking at his mother’s openly loving expression and thus also ignoring her sadness at his distance.

“Of course,” Bones had agreed and they had left the house after McCoy had thanked Amanda and hugged her, promising that everything would be all right. Spock had simply left without having done more than acknowledge her presence.

 _Be back within a week…not even if I have to tie you up to stop you from going will you return, you green-blooded cold-hearted Vulcan!_ McCoy had thought angrily but had kept his control, although it got harder as he had to spend so much time together with the changed Spock who stood with him now. In the past he had thought Spock could be like a computer…now he **was** a computer and it was painful to see because it had taken the most precious things away from Spock: his ability to wonder and his ability to care…for Jim, if for nothing else, whom McCoy had never doubted Spock cared for until now. McCoy feared the trip back to Earth would prove very long. 

* * *

So far McCoy’ plan was going well. He had taken Spock to his own apartment in San Francisco and, when the Vulcan began to voice how strange a thing this was when Jim was dying, McCoy had simply done the same trick he had used when faced with the Vians; he had rendered him unconscious. After having managed to get Spock to lie on his sofa in the living room, McCoy had initiated the second stage of his plan. He had used all his connections, both in Starfleet and less legal channels and had called all old favors in, to get a message smuggled into the Academy to Jim. He had given the same story as to Spock, only the other way around. In Jim’s message, McCoy pleaded for Jim to return because Spock was dying from an alien infection that Jim’s body alone had the antibodies to. If Jim didn’t come to San Francisco within four hours McCoy feared Spock would die. He had then ended with giving directions on where in the National Station in San Francisco they could meet each other. Three hours of nervous waiting later, McCoy had Jim in his grasp. This time, the emotional control he had worked so hard to keep was very close to collapsing. He was so close to yelling at Jim for being an idiot and a coward and any other insult he could think of and only held back at the last moment. Unlike Spock, Jim was dressed in all white robes and carried a ceremonial sword to mark his attachment to the Academy. It tore at McCoy’s heart to see his once so lively and emotional friend so controlled. His face was a mask and his eyes had lost the light that McCoy recalled used to live there. He had made no move to embrace McCoy in welcome but had clasped his hands behind his back, forcing McCoy to hold his greeting as well. McCoy had fought to keep calm in hopes of drawing a reaction from Jim by this lack of emotions and it had worked. He had sensed a hint of surprise in Jim as he was greeted politely but calmly. McCoy purposely didn’t tell him about Spock’s state, something he would normally have done and it forced Jim to ask how the Vulcan was doing, betraying concern and worry in his voice and eyes for the briefest of seconds and making McCoy’s hopes grow. Jim had been surprised to find himself being taken to McCoy’ apartment instead of a hospital, but McCoy had ignored his question about why they were going since Jim remained far more controlled than McCoy would have liked. Jim followed McCoy into the living room and the shock, surprise and joy at seeing Spock laying seemly asleep on the sofa was clearly written on his face as a large smile spread over his lips.

“Spock!” The name was a whispered prayer but Jim quickly regained his composure, yet the distraction had cost him dearly; McCoy pressed a hypo against Jim’s skin and he fell unconscious to the floor. After having maneuvered Jim to lie in the middle of the living room, right in front of the sofa, McCoy removed Jim’s sword, just to be on the safe side, and then looked at his unconscious friends. Now it was only in dreams that their masks had fallen off and only now did they seem at peace. He could be charged with more violations of Federation law than he cared to figure out but McCoy didn’t care. His motives had as always been emotional but his success so far had been managed on borrowed characteristics from his friends and he would borrow Jim’s boldness and ruthlessness a bit longer. With determined steps, McCoy left the room and locked the only door, going to sit in the room next door to wait for his friends to awaken.

* * *

Something wasn’t like it should be. Before he fully awoke, Spock found that the air was not too hot and the wind didn’t smell of sand. He was no longer on Gol. Spock opened his eyes and slowly sat up, remembering how McCoy had asked for his help. With a rush everything came back to him and he forgot the discomfort left by the tranquilizer as he saw Jim lying on the floor before him.

“Jim!” Just one look at him and Spock lost the control he had fought so hard to gain. He quickly knelt beside the fallen figure and anxiously checked him for injuries but found no wounds and no fever. He noticed that Jim seemed thinner than he remembered…too thin. Relieved that Jim was all right, Spock sat silently beside him on the floor, drinking in the sight of him. If he had admitted it to himself, he would admit that he had missed this man more than he had ever thought possible to miss anyone. Spock had found time had slipped away from him when his mission with the Enterprise had ended and his solution had been Gol. It still seemed a suitable goal even though Jim’s very presence threatened to tear down his resolve. He had known that during his first Pon Farr he had created a spontaneous mental bond with Jim and he had wished to tell him but suddenly there had been no more time. He had kept pushing it away, telling himself that if Jim came to care more for him, if he was a bit more human when with him…then when the day came and he told Jim about the bond Jim might not wish him to break it. Then it had been too late and Spock had admitted to himself that his actions had been wrong; Jim hadn’t asked for a bond and Spock had had no right to keep it hidden for as long as he had. He should have broken it at once but a very human quality, hope, had kept him back. However, now that he had admitted defeat, he had realized that the bond between Jim and himself had grown strong and breaking it would be dangerous. If Jim knew this he would likely say yes to become Spock’s mate just to prevent Spock from taking such a risk. Spock could not allow his friend to make such a sacrifice. Thus he had taken to Gol, the only place he thought he might be able to survive the pain of the severed bond by purifying himself of all emotions.

“Spock,” Jim mumbled as he came around. He blinked several times before he believed his eyes; Spock was sitting on his knees in his long black robe just beside him. “Spock!” his control slipped as Jim quickly sat up, ignoring the pain of the disappearing effects of the drugs McCoy had given him. He quickly reached for Spock, trying to check him for injuries, fighting to control his fear.

Feeling his mask fall by the touch of Jim’s hands on his arms, even through his clothes, Spock had to withdraw from Jim and thus he rose to create distance between them.

“I am well, Captain,” Spock said evenly.

Jim permitted himself a brief moment of pure joy at this before he rose as well. His eyes remained on his friend, fighting to control his joyous reaction to simply seeing him again after so long and after having resigned himself to never seeing Spock again. He fought back his light concern when he found that Spock was thinner than ever, his face seeming to hold harder lines and his Vulcan mask was firmly in place. Jim could see no emotions in his face or eyes but he didn’t seem to be dying. Jim knew what his old self would have said to Spock now, something about his death being exaggerated or looking good for a dead man, both followed by a warm smile, but his own control kept him together and, as it had helped him these last many months, it helped him now as well.

“Good.”

For a moment they simply looked at each other. Spock remained calm on the outside but inside his heart was bleeding. He had never understood how humans could mourn change when it was a logical process of everything alive but now he understood. Gone was the brightness of his friend and instead stood a warrior whose eyes were dead and whose manners and tone of voice could make many a Vulcan envious. Jim even stood before Spock like he himself stood, with his hands clasped behind his back. To see his once so lively friend so dead almost broke Spock’s own control.

“I think we can assume neither of us is dying and that this was a very elaborate plot of McCoy’s,” Jim said, surprising himself with how reasonable he sounded. Being so near Spock was more painful than he had thought. The emptiness he felt inside that he thought he had subdued, began to ache with a pain so intense Jim had to clash his teeth together to keep himself from showing the strain the pain was putting on his mind and body.

“Agreed,” Spock’s voice was just as controlled, though it cost him considerable effect to keep it so. The burning pain of the severed bond burned hot in his soul, making Spock fight to keep his pain from showing in his face.

“Since you’re well there is no need for me to stay here,” Jim’s voice betrayed a little of the intense need for distance from Spock that the pain inside him spoke to him about. Not waiting to hear Spock’s reply, Jim walked to the door and found it locked. Fighting down his anger and his fear of betraying himself if he couldn’t get away from Spock soon, Jim knocked on the door. “Dr. McCoy, open this door,” he demanded. No reply. “Right now, doctor!” Jim insisted, letting some of his old resolve shine through.

“Sure thing, Jim,” came the doctor’s disembodied voice from the other side of the room and Jim briefly closed his eyes in relief. “As soon as Spock and you talk about how you feel for each other and what the hell you’re really going through in those hellish places.”

  
”Doctor, that is no concern of yours,” Spock said evenly, who had silently moved to stand by Jim’s shoulder as instinctively as ever without realizing it, backing Jim up like he always had done instead of creating distance between them.

“McCoy, let us out or…I’ll have Mr. Spock tear down your door,” Jim insisted, hinting at the Vulcan’s superior strength, and without thinking falling back into a command pattern with his former First Officer.

“Give it a try, the door has been reinforced,” McCoy dared him, his voice annoyingly calm to Jim's ears when he himself was losing control. Jim moved from the door and motioned at Spock who tried to get the door to give way but nothing happened.

“I cannot break through,” Spock admitted as he let Jim return to his position at the door. Jim had a hard time keeping his anger in check, the pain he felt inside at Spock’s nearness not helping at all.

“Open this door!” Jim yelled, some of his anger slipping through in his voice and actions as he followed the words up with a hammered fist into the door.

“Not until you two idiots talk things through,” McCoy insisted, letting his own anger shine through. “I’m not gonna lose you two without a fight…not anymore.”

“Bo…McCoy, open this door right now!” Jim insisted, becoming desperate. He couldn’t stay so close to Spock much longer. Already his control was in threads; he had almost called McCoy by his nickname…he had almost allowed himself to feel the anger, love and regret he felt towards McCoy after their last meeting together before he had left for the Academy.

“No,” came the simple reply.

Almost an hour later Jim was forced to give up. McCoy was not going to let them leave. Fighting to keep his control, Jim walked to the sofa and sat down, suddenly realizing that he had been working together with Spock for the first time in months. He had to fight down a wave of memories of the other times where they had tried to escape from somewhere together, only back then they hadn’t had this mental wall between them.

“Have a seat, Mr. Spock. It seems we better talk.”

Reluctantly, Spock sat down as far away from Jim as possible. Silence fell between them and it dragged on for several minutes until Jim realized that Spock would stay silent from now ‘til forever unless Jim did something. Why couldn’t he just as well tell Spock how he had felt? It was what he had wanted to do before when he had been denied. If Spock still had emotions he might be relieved to know someone had cared and if not, Jim would have lost nothing. Though he knew he would lose Spock if he did admit how he had felt, at least regret wouldn’t be one of the emotions he had to combat.

“Very well, I’ll start then.” Jim took a deep breath and fought to find his center, to keep calm, but the emptiness in his soul was becoming so painful that any kind of inner peace was impossible to obtain. Jim settled for a pretend at calm instead. “Over the years you came to matter greatly to me but it wasn’t until after you had left for Gol that I knew I loved you.” Now that it was said, the words and the admission came almost painfully easy. But Jim kept his control, making sure saying the words had no emotions attached to them, afraid that if he let go then the pain and emptiness inside himself would tear him apart. He could barely control the pain as it was.

“Because I was your friend,” Spock said calmly, looking directly at him but without any hints of emotions.

Jim shook his head. “Not only as a friend. I love you more than I can say. I feel like you’re the other part of me…a part of my soul and I don’t even believe in souls.” A small smile graced Jim’s lips but it was a faint imitation of his earlier golden smiles, an automated reaction without any real life or light.

Spock looked intensely at him, his eyes having gone darker. “In what capacity does that love say I should serve you?”

“Never serve me, Spock. I would say I want you with me in any way possible, forever. As my friend, soulmate and lover but I will not ask you for any of those things for I have admitted to myself that I am not what you need. You should find someone who can love you in a better manner…someone who you can talk to about science and logic and someone you can love without feeling embarrassed over emotional displays.” After having thought so many months about this admission then it was like saying that the sun was hot: recognition of facts and nothing else.

“I am not worthy of your love for I have been deceiving you,” Spock admitted quietly, having trouble maintaining his control after listening to Jim’s words. However, he wouldn’t permit himself to feel happy or relieved about Jim’s admission even though he had longed to hear him say those words for so long. He still had a secret that he doubted Jim would like and which could certainly make him take back his admission of love.

“What do you mean?” A hint of confusion was clear in Jim’s eyes and voice.

"During my first Pon Farr a spontaneous mental link was created between us,” Spock began, still shamed that he had not said this sooner.

“We were bonded?” there was more longing than anger in Jim’s voice even despite his fight for control.

“Yes.”

Jim’s expression sobered completely and he had to fight down a stab of regret and pain as he nodded understanding. “I understand why you broke it. A human’s illogical emotions and thoughts must have been…disquieting,” Jim reassured him, desperate to not make the same mistakes he had done before where he had taken the humanity in Spock for granted. Given how impulsive and emotional he had used to be, Jim understood that a Vulcan would find such a mind chaotic to be linked to.

“You misunderstand me,” Spock insisted, his voice and eyes intense, fighting confusion at where Jim’s thoughts had lead him. “I wished to keep the link.” The admission was easily made now, after hearing Jim’s own.

The room went dead silent.

“You did?” Jim didn’t even try to hide his surprise.

“Yes but I never managed to tell you of the link. When our mission was over I understood that time had run out and that you did not wish the link so I went to Vulcan to break it.”

“I tried to reach you but they wouldn’t let me in,” Jim admitted. Suddenly he looked searchingly at Spock, his mind trying to piece all the pieces of the puzzle together. “Did you break the link about three weeks after you left m…the Enterprise?” Jim asked, preventing himself from saying ‘left me’ just in the nick of time. He still clearly remembered when the strange emptiness which bordered on pain had settled in; on his way home to Earth after he had had to give up on Spock.

“Yes.” Spock’s eyes betrayed his surprise as he looked at Jim. He shouldn’t have been able to know this. “How did you know?”  
  


“Since that day I’ve felt this emptiness in my soul, like a black hole that eats me up inside. I went to the Samurai Academy in hopes of being able to subdue that pain,” Jim admitted softly.

Spock almost gasped in shock and horror at hearing this. When next he spoke he let his sorrow shine through in his voice. “I am sorry. I did not think you would feel the breaking of the bond since you are not a telepath. You have a very ordered and strong mind and our minds were already accustomed to each other because of our friendship and multiple mind melds so I should have assumed you might.” Spock’s self recrimination and unhappiness were as clear as if he had written a sign for Jim to read, hating to think he had brought Jim such pain, unintended as it had been.  
  


“It doesn’t matter,” Jim said with a dismissive gesture, not wanting Spock to tear himself up about it. Done was done. Again silence fell between them, neither sure where to go from here, both hiding hopes and dreams they still did not dare voice.

To Jim’s surprise it was Spock who broke their standoff and spoke first. “I am…saddened to see this change in you. To me you were always the incarnation of energy and life and now…” Spock’s soft admission died away, his voice having spoken as clearly of the loss he felt as his words had. Jim had to fight back the lump in his throat at the pain in Spock’s voice.

“Now I’m being taught how to deal in death instead of life. If I let my guard down and allowed myself to feel I would also be saddened by it,” Jim admitted sadly but then he added more strongly, “I had to change, I had to kill my emotions or else I don’t think I would have survived. The Academy was the only place I knew of which could grant me that.” He drew a deep breath before he admitted, “Just being so near to you now threatens my resolve and strangles my soul with ice.”

Those words were more than enough for Spock to ask what he had longed to ask for years, now feeling confident that he would not be denied and that confidence gave him the courage to show what he felt. He turned a little more towards Jim, moved a little closer. “Jim.” That simple word gave Spock Jim’s full attention and Jim almost gasped in shock when he saw the love and tenderness in Spock’s face and eyes, there for him to clearly see. “Will you bond with me?”

“Because it is logical?” Jim asked, holding his breath for the answer. He had wanted this so long that he was almost afraid that it was all just a dream.

“Yes,” Jim’s heart fell a beat until Spock continued, “and because I love you and thus I wish it so.”

Jim smiled warmly, finally beginning to believe his legendary luck was returning to him. It was still a strained smile as he fought the pain in his soul but it was closer to his earlier smiles than his other smile had been.

“I always loved you, Spock and always will. I don’t dare tear down my mental walls just yet and feel it so I can truly say I presently love you but I know without a doubt that I do,” Jim explained, his voice soft and honest. “So yes, I will bond with you.”  
  


Spock smiled warmly at him, a small smile but it seemed to light up the whole room. “Sit closer beside me,” Spock asked and Jim did so. Jim took a deep breath and braced himself as Spock initiated the mind meld. Spock was shocked to see the remains of a broken bond in his friend’s mind. Lacking any mental disciplines to combat it, Jim had been unable to do anything about it so his side of the link had begun to eat into his very soul, creating an agonizing emptiness as his mind instinctively sought for his bondmate’s presence and found only cold nothingness. Desperate, Jim had sucked the emptiness inside himself and kept doing so as he kept searching for Spock’s mental presence. While Spock’s side of the link was fire, warm and hot, Jim’s was ice, cold and smoothing. Only now, broken, it had been destroying Jim, freezing him from the inside out. The pain he felt from the link said clearer than words that Jim had been right; if he hadn’t gone to the Academy to block the pain he would not have been able to take it. A human had never been meant to withstand the agony of a broken bond and had no defense against it. Jim’s mental walls were now thicker than ever, built up with a desperate intensity that Spock had never seen before.

*I am very sorry, t’hy’la, * Spock said sadly in his mind and he felt Jim’s reassurance in his mind, calming his guilt and aguish at having unwillingly hurt the man he loved. *I will tear down your defenses. There will be a brief moment of sharp pain before the bond is reconnected, * Spock warned, not liking the idea of having to hurt Jim more than he already had.

*It’s all right. I’m ready, * Jim mental voice insisted, sounding strained from keeping his control up with Spock so near. Spock mentally nodded at Jim’s words and as quickly as possible he tore down Jim’s walls and reconnected the link. However he still felt the echo of Jim’s sharp agony and Jim let a small moan escape his lips at the intensity of the pain before the link was up again. Like a staving man, Jim’s mind began to take as much of Spock as he could inside himself, so desperate in his need that Spock had to put up some mental blocks to prevent Jim from getting lost in the Vulcan’s mind. Slowly Spock drew back and when he was aware of his surroundings again he was looking into Jim’s warm eyes and was blessed with a smile as warm as Vulcan itself, Jim’s face once again open and loving when he looked at him.

“I feel you in my soul,” Jim whispered, awed. Spock could only nod, the feeling of having Jim in his mind, something he had been denied himself earlier to give Jim privacy by blocking him out, washed through him and with it came Jim’s love for him, so strong that it took his breath away. He had never known such complete faith and love as what he felt through the link from Jim.

Spock gently stroked Jim’s cheek and Jim caught his hand and kissed his knuckles, his face soft, his eyes warm and Spock only barely controlled a wide smile. “You are my life once again,” Spock whispered, seeing and feeling the brightness in Jim once more.

“I no longer have to fight the darkness… Now all I feel inside myself is you and that is all I ever wanted,” Jim said warmly before a well-known and loved look of mischief lit up Jim’s eyes. Without warning he climbed into Spock’s lap to assure himself that he was close enough to put his arms around Spock’s neck and kiss him deeply on the lips. The kiss was their first and filled with desperation, need, want and love equally strong in both fire and ice.

Both men was so consumed by their emotions and their love that they never noticed McCoy open the door to the living room, having been concerned by his friends’ silence. He watched his friends sitting together, sharing a deep and passionate but very loving kiss and a warm smile spread over his lips at the sight.

“God may have put the stars in the night sky, but I can catch them when they fall down and place them back up in the heavens in such a way that they create patterns of love forever,” McCoy mumbled softly, quoting a poem from an old Earth poet whose book Jim had loaned him once. Looking at his friends, McCoy found the quote very fitting for he had always seen Jim as something he could symbolize as the day, in light, stars or in the sun itself while Spock he had always seen symbolizing the night, darkness, the moon or the complexity that was space itself. His friends fitted perfectly together and now, finally, he saw that he had his own place as well, standing on the sidelines and getting the afterglow of love that his friends shared and he found that it was enough.

“And all in a day’s work,” McCoy mumbled fondly as he closed the door again, letting it remain unlocked before he went into his bedroom, granting his friends more privacy. Tonight he didn’t take a drink…tonight he didn’t need it. Tonight he truly felt alive and he was sure beyond any shadow of a doubt that he would remain so for many more nights to come. Whatever happened, he would never be abandoned again and his friends would never be lost to him again.

When McCoy went to sleep, the stars shone brightly outside his window, covering the room in a silvery light of love and beauty.

## The End


End file.
